I’ve avoided it long enough — it’s time to talk about urinal etiquette.
For the ladies who may not know, men’s room walls are lined with urinals: odd rectangular or teardrop-shaped fixtures filled with harsh pellets of deodorizer and swirling water. Urinals make it possible for men to walk into a restroom, point, shoot, and be done with things in a matter of seconds. They’re why lines to the men’s room are always shorter (that, and the fact that we don’t talk to each other in there).
Lately, I seem to be surrounded by men who skipped school on the day Coach Forbes lectured on the delicate subject of urinal etiquette. For the folks with a stunted sense of potty politeness, here are the rules:
1) Leaning forward to prop one or both arms (and/or your head) on the wall is bad form. First: you don’t know where that wall has been. Second: this pose makes you look falling-down drunk. While you may have adopted it — with good reason — during your fraternity days, it’s time to let it go, man.
2) While cell-phones need to be, visits to the urinal should never be “hands free.” How many times have I seen it? Some guy walks in, unzips, plants both his hands on his hips or buttocks, arches his back, and lets the good times roll. What’s wrong with this, exactly? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Gents: until the fire is out, please keep at least one hand on the hose at all times.
3) Clear the pipes in private. Nothing disturbes the charming ambience of a public restroom like the harsh, raspy sound of a man repeatedly clearing his throat with all the high-volume fanfare of a cat hacking up hairballs. Please: expectorate elsewhere.
4) Silence is golden. Moans, groans, exclamations (“Awwww, yeah!”) and other verbal expressions of relief should be discreet, so as not to distract other patrons.
Oh, geez, Mark, you made me snort my diet coke. You’ve expanded my limited knowledge re: “gents” rooms.
Although it’s not THAT limited…ya see, I go almost yearly to midwifery conventions. Midwives tend to be Uppity Women. And if there aren’t enough womens’ rooms in the hotel (and there never are), we take over the mens’. A few years ago, someone started informing management, and so now they convert some temporarily. And it’s always interesting to see what they do to make the room “tasteful” for the ladies. One year it was potted plants in each potty…I’m not sure if they were to disguise the fixture, or to prevent us from trying them out (not something you should put past a couple thousand possibly drunk Uppity Women). But this year, they outdid themselves. Large screens were rolled in, and then draped with vast lengths of black velvet. Between that, and the marble-and-gold decor already in place, it looked like the finest mausoleum in town. I was almost afraid to look behind the drapes, for fear of finding the body!
Thanks for a grin…Janet
You forgot to mention one of the more important rules of urinal etiquette:Please flush! I do not like the smell of used coffee.
Oh, and even if you don’t pee on your hands, please wash them. It only takes about 10 seconds (15 if you use soap!)
You forgot to make the rule Don’t spend too long stood over the urinal and if you do expect any mate in there who catches you to push you into the urinal