Gay Marriage: A Change of Heart

In two months, Clyde and I will celebrate our fourteenth anniversary.

Back when we celebrated our first decade together, I said to my mother, “Clyde and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary!”

Mother scowled. “The tenth anniversary of what?”

Her point, of course — made in mother’s trademark “stick a knife in the ribs and twist it” way — was that Clyde and I aren’t really married.

* * * * *

Back when Richen and Chip positioned themselves as “married partners” on The Amazing Race, I was furious. At the time, gay Americans simply could not marry, and I felt the pair were misleading people. (It wasn’t an issue for long. They broke up shortly after the show ended.)

Even today, despite all the hullabaloo about gay marriage, not one single gay union is recognized as legitimate by the government of the United States. Sure, we can move to a liberal state and visit with the Justice of the Peace. We can hold elaborate “union ceremonies” and “weddings” until we’re blue in the face. We can register as couples at Target (if we can decide which one of us is willing to be listed as “the wife”).

But in the eyes of our nation, gay people are not legally married, even if their state issues them a marriage license.

So for years, I’ve railed against gay couples who say they’re married. Time and again, I’ve insisted:

– Until the federal government recognizes gay marriage, gay couples are not married, period. As long as we have to mark “single” on our immigration and re-entry forms, we aren’t married in the eyes of the law of the land.

– Until we get legal marriage — not civil unions, not registered partnerships, not state-level “marriages” — we aren’t married.

– Until we really can get married, we confuse the issue and work against our own cause by claiming to be. I’ve met many liberal, good-hearted straight people who would be inclined to join the fight for gay marriage — but who haven’t done so because they think that fight has been won. (I still get email, by the way, from well-meaning people who ask me why Clyde and I, globetrotters that we are, haven’t flown to Hawaii to tie the knot. Sigh.)

So, up until today, when new acquaintances asked, “Are you married?”, I’ve said, “Not legally.” (It’s up to them, then, to decide whether or not to pursue the question further.)

But as of today, I’ve had a change of heart about gay marriage. Here’s why:

The United States government may never recognize our marriage. The great state of Mississippi may never recognize our marriage. The Methodist Church, which wants to flirt with liberalism (“Open Minds, Open Hearts, Open Doors!”) but lacks the balls to live up to that creed when the going gets tough, may never recognize our marriage.

But we are married. Our lives and hearts are bound up together. My heart is Clyde-shaped; no one else fits into that space. We are not “just roommates.” We are not “just dating.” We are not just “living together.”

We are dedicated to each other, and to building a life and relationship together. So you’ll pardon me, then, if I change my mind and say, without reservation, that Clyde and I are married. We have been married for almost fourteen years.

President George Bush may not recognize it. Governor Haley Barbour might not recognize it. The Methodist General Conference might not recognize it. Some of you might not recognize it.

But we are, in our own eyes — and, I believe, in the eyes of God — married to each other. At this point, we’re just waiting for the legal system, the Church, and some of our fellow Americans to recognize that reality.