Survivor, the granddaddy of all competitive reality shows, is getting really, really stale.
If the abysmal ratings are any indication, this season’s stunt — the creation of an “Exile Island” — hasn’t paid off. Fewer people are watching Survivor than ever. (And it says something that this year’s big, emotional event was contestant Bruce’s agonizing bowel compaction.)
In case CBS and producer Mark Burnett are listening, here are some ideas for saving the show:
– Move it back to summers. The original Survivor flourished because it came on during the summer, when competition was non-existent. Survivor is a lot more attractive when nothing else is on.
– Go back to real locations. Every other season has taken us somewhere exotic. This season, while we realize that Panama is somewhere in the background, you’ve based the show around your manufactured “Exile Island.” As a result, the whole show feels more gimmicky and artificial than ever. Next season, take us somewhere real. Even Survivor: Death Valley would be better than Survivor: Jungles of Doom.
– Find a way to bust up alliances. The emergence of alliances in Season One was fresh — because no one had anticipated it. Now, people are forging alliances from Day One. The result? Weeks and weeks of dull episodes as one alliance predictably picks off the outsiders. It’s a convergent strategy — a predictable means of influencing the outcome of the show — and it’s time to do something to shake this up.
– Give new twists “teeth.” Okay, so this season, there’s an immunity idol hidden on Exile Island. *Yawn* You’re going to have to do better than that. Over breakfast, Clyde and I came up with far better ideas, including:
– Surprise us with a comprehensive jury. Next season, shock the first Tribal Council meeting by revealing that everyone voted off gets put on the jury. The result? Folks will have to be a lot more careful about who they toss off the island, right from the start.
– Give the jury the power of veto. Each week, allow the jury to predict the name of the person they feel the folks at Tribal Council will vote off. After the standard voting identifies the person being cast out, the jury’s prediction is revealed. If the jury correctly identifies the outcast, the condemned person is granted immunity; he stays on the island, and the survivors must someone else off. (This would go a long way toward busting up alliances.)
– Have the competition take place within site of a distant, exotic luxury resort. Every day, while eating their rice, the survivors will smell the gourmet food, hear the sound of children playing in the surf, and see the comforts of home close at hand.
– Become the first reality show to feature A-list stars. We don’t want to see Robin Leach, Andy Dick, or CarrotTop on Survivor. But imagine a Survivor with Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, and Reese Whitherspoon among the castaways.
Granted, these people don’t need a million bucks … but I’ll bet you could find something they do want — like a few million for their favorite charity, perhaps. Ratings would skyrocket; who wouldn’t tune in to watch Oprah drag herself through a mudpit to win a greasy cheeseburger?
– The Babel Effect. Don’t allow survivors to speak to each other until they’re on the island. Then — and only then — let them figure out that no two people on the island speak the same language. Suddenly, getting cooperation, establishing a pecking order, and forging alliances gets a lot harder! (Plus, you already subtitle the show, anyway!)
– Family Feud. Two teams … two extended families. Voting people off the island takes on a whole new dimension when Daddy has to explain to his nine-year-old daughter, Suzie, that she’s going home because she can’t pull her weight in physical challenges.
– Bait and Switch. One half of the survivors should be hot, horny, straight college frat boys. The other half should be beautiful, hard-bodied, college-age lesbians. Mix, shake, and stir. ‘Nuff said.
– Local Tribes. Let the survivors compete against locals — people who are really from the place the survivors are surviving in. If the locals win, they get the prizes and the loot.
Clyde’s Best Idea: Immunity Plus. Win immunity, and your vote at Tribal Council counts twice. It’s simple, easy to explain to viewers, and very effective at shaking things up.
Mark’s Best Idea: Persistent Losers. After the first Tribal Council vote, reveal that this year’s losers don’t go home. Instead, stripped of any ability to compete or vote or win, these surly, angry, back-stabbed folks stay in your camp for the duration of the show. (This also gets rid of the show’s weakest gimmick: the tear-jerking “trek past the torches of fallen survivors” that graces every season finale.)
Wanna use our lovely ideas? Let me know — we’ll be happy to sell you the concepts, and our services as series consultants, at discount rates.
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