Pass on Pirates

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has already earned more than $132 million dollars. (That’s almost three times what Superman Returns earned during its opening weekend.)

it’s also one of the most perfectly dreadful, exquisitely boring, relentlessly plodding films I’ve ever had the pleasure of walking out of.

While the first film was a delight — surpassing everyone’s expectations — Dead Man’s Chest is dead on arrival. While Johnny Depp doggedly prances around in Captain Jack Sparrow drag, the script gives him nothing witty or surprising to say. Orlando Bloom sleepwalks through pointless encounter after pointless encounter. Millions of dollars of seamless CGI effects can’t disguise this movie’s basic wretchedness.

Without giving anything away (because, frankly, there isn’t much to give away), I can tell you the formula for DMC‘s flimsy excuse for a plot:

1) Character 1 wants item A.

2) To get item A, Character 1 must get item B for Character 2.

3) But to get item B, Character 1 must get item C for Character 3.

And so on, and on, and on, and on.

Next week, we’ll all be pounded with ads screaming, “America’s Number One Movie!’ and “Highest Opening in Box Office History!” Even so: expect next week’s box office take to plummet by 60% to 75%.

Why? Because very few kiddies are going to clamor to sit through this 2 1/2 hour advertisement for a Disney theme park ride a second time … and once word of mouth works its dark magic, Pirates will sink faster than a schooner with a hull breach.