Get a Person on the Phone

After reading this article, you will never have to talk to an IVR again — so keep reading.

IVR stands for interactive voice/response. That’s the fancy techno-babble term for “those automated call systems that say things like ‘Thank you for calling the support line for your new JavaJive Coffee Maker. If the JavaJive is randomly shooting balls of fire out its nozzle, please press 1.'”

When I want information, I want to talk to a person — preferably a knowledgeable one. But I’ll take the most clueless human over a worthless IVR any day.

Why? Here’s a fine example: last week, I ordered a copy of iLife ’06 from the online Apple Store. I wanted it quickly, so I selected 2-day delivery. To my surprise and delight, I saw — via the FedEx website tracking page — that my package actually made it from California to Memphis overnight. “Oh, joy!” I thought. “In addition to getting my software today, I will have gotten overnight delivery for the price of two-day!”

I sat at home all day, waiting by the door. FedEx never came.

When I checked the FedEx website, I learned the horrible truth: my delivery had been coded “Attempted. Business Closed or No Response at Residence.” The driver stopped by, of course, during the one quarter-hour I left the house to walk the dog.

So I called FedEx Customer Service, hoping I could stop by the Highway 80 terminal and pick up the package myself. 1-800-GO-FEDEX was, of course, answered by an IVR. The system gave me four options — none of which had anything to do with my request.

And then, I found The IVR Cheat Sheet by Paul English. The Cheat Sheet lists hundreds of companies by industry or service … and provides the codes needed to bypass the IVR. That’s right: enter these codes, and you’ll go directly to a human being.

For FedEx, the Cheat Sheet says, “Say, ‘Rep’ — an option the sneaky IVR lady doesn’t even give you. So I called FedEx back. The IVR answered. Before it could finish its mechanical spiel, I said, “Rep!”

In five seconds, I was talking to a human. (My package was, by the way, available for pickup at the local office.)

Sheer bliss.

Spread the word. Tell everyone about The IVR Cheat Sheet. Since discovering it, I’m talking to a lot more humans these days.