Waitress Meets Boy

We sit in Atlanta’s Cafe Intermezzo, sipping coffees and sampling rich desserts. Joining us for the evening: a closeted gay male couple, an openly gay male couple, and a straight couple. We’re all good friends.

Perhaps inspired by the “Who’s Gay? Who’s Straight?” theme of Boy Meets Boy, I ask our cute, engaging female server the following question: “Of the men at this table, which two are the straight ones?” It’s a trick, of course: there’s only one heterosexual guy there.

Our waitress tilts her head to one side, squinting at each of us. Ultimately, she shakes her head. “I’m no good at this. Really, I’m not. I have the gay ex-boyfriends to prove it.” With time, though, she warms to the topic, and she begins her inspection in earnest.

I decide to ignore her, focusing on our group instead. The other gay couple, perfectly comfortable in their roles, lean in, interested and engaged. John, the lone straight guy, crosses his arms over his chest and beams. Beside me, Clyde sits quietly.

Our two closeted friends stiffen in their seats. As the only people at the table who feel the need to hide their relationship from employers, friends, and family, they’re the only ones who place any positive value on being seen as straight. One of the two sits stiff and straight in his chair: chest out, shoulders back, barely breathing … as if bad posture were an indication of sexual orientation.

The waitress points to John. “Definitely you.” She looks each of us in the eyes while performing some kind of math in her head. Minutes later, she renders her final verdict: “One of the two of you.”

She points to Clyde and me.

All of us erupt with laughter. Clyde raises his hand, saving me from having to reveal my trick. “It’s me.” Relieved, perhaps, that her gaydar is intact, our server slaps us on the back and goes about her business.

The verdict rattles our closeted friends. One drops his jaw, shaping his mouth into a wide, round “O” of shock.

His partner turns to me. “Thanks for that,” he says. “For the next three weeks, he’s going to be completely paranoid.”